The Very Last Option
by Racing Co
Summary: In an act of sheer desperation, Albus Dumbledore attends a book signing and invites Gilderoy Lockhart, the heroic adventurer and celebrated author, to fill a final teaching position at Hogwarts. Featuring two talkative characters, this short tale is written entirely in dialogue.


"Well, if it isn't Albus Dumbledore visiting my book signing! Good man! Of course, I shouldn't be so surprised you're here, considering _Magical Me_ is the best-selling book in all of England. But you knew that already! Care for an autograph?"

"Certainly, Gilderoy, but wasn't this good lady already in line? I don't want to intrude."

"It's no bother at all! Gladys Gudgeon, bless her, comes to all my book signings. Traveled from Godric's Hollow just to see me! She must have a dozen copies of my book already — hasn't missed a stop on tour yet! Isn't that right Gladys, dear?"

"All the way from Godric's Hollow? You have persistent fans."

"That's ordinary business for me. She's such a fan — aren't you Gladys? — that she's willing to wait a minute more! Surely it's the same way for you with the fans. I mean, _you_are the one on the Chocolate Frog cards! How did you manage that?"

"My proudest moment, to be sure. Chocolate Frog cards were always my favorite to collect. Alas, my collection is still incomplete! I have eaten countless numbers of Chocolate Frogs over the years — though I do prefer lemon drops — but I have never found the Circe card."

"But _how_ did you get your own card? I mean, you've only been a Headmaster and all. Are you friends with one of the managers of Famous Wizard Cards?"

"Let's just say that there are certain advantages to having more than one-hundred years of various magical achievements."

"So you say. . . . Now, who should I make this autograph for? Is it a gift or just for yourself? As well read as you are, you've surely seen my previous exploits? Werewolves. Banshees. The whole lot. This new book sort of puts it all into grand perspective."

"Indeed. Address it to Pomona Sprout. Her birthday is next week, and I believe she will enjoy this very much."

"Sprout's still teaching at Hogwarts? I remember when she taught me. . . . Of course, I was already top of the class, so there wasn't much left to learn! Maybe I taught her a thing or two! . . . Here's the book. I signed it with my best peacock quill."

"Oh, that is quite a fine signature! I imagine you spent years perfecting it. I must say that you really have a flair for dotting the 'i'."

"You really think so? I'm flattered! Part of my life's dream is to possess the greatest penmanship. Well, that and produce my own line of hair products."

"A worthy goal, I'm sure."

"I knew you were sophisticated enough to appreciate my lofty goals, Dumbledore. Good man! Everyone deserves sleek, full-bodied hair like mine! Some of those reporters at the Prophet — mainly that Rita Skeeter, you know — don't seem to fully understand my aspirations. Won't you pull up a seat? I can talk and sign at the same time!"

"I'm afraid I can't because, you see, I'm on business today."

"Oh, I'm hurt! The local newsletter, _The Weekly Wizard_, hinted they'd be by this afternoon. They could have worked up a little piece about the two of us!"

"Hogwarts business cannot wait."

"Hogwarts business in Devon? If I may ask, what kind of business is that, Sir — er, Dumbledore?"

"I was hoping you'd ask, Gilderoy. My business involves you."

"Me?"

"Yes, now if you'd please follow me to the back. I've already spoken with the manager and —"

"Wait! What about Gladys and all the others? And dear Veronica Smethley? I can't just abandon them in the midst of a signing. It wouldn't seem right! They can wait a few moments for me to sign your book, but I'm afraid there'll be a riot if it's any longer than that! They all made the brave pilgrimage here today to see my award-winning smile!"

"This will only last a few minutes. And it will be quite painless I assure you."

"But—"

"Now, if you'll please follow me to the manager's office."

"Fine! Fine! But only because this seems dreadfully urgent, Dumbledore. . . . I'm sorry everyone! I have a brief meeting to attend to in the back, but dry your tears! I shall return to sign more books. And I might even act out my defeat of the Bandon Banshee! Now if you'll excuse me. . . ."

"Thank you for allowing me to take a moment of your time. The office is in the back, but I fear it smells quite like Stinksap gone awry."

"I swear, Dumbledore, this had better be important."

"Oh, it is. . . . Good, the room is empty as promised. You can take a seat over here, and I will sit behind this desk like so."

"Merlin! You were right about the stench. It's like someone set off a whole basket of Dungbombs in here. Oh, you can't expect me to sit on that! The chair is covered in, well, I don't even want to imagine what that is!"

"It only looks like a bit of ink, and you can clean with your wand."

"My what? Oh, my wand! Um . . . oh, I seem to have left it back at the table. Perhaps I should go... er, retrieve it."

"That won't be necessary. Allow me. _Scourgify._ Now please, sit down."

"Very well. It looks clean enough now. Can't go around ruining my new robes."

"Naturally. Gilderoy, these stories I've read about you: they seem extraordinary. Almost unbelievable."

"Oh! Really? I mean — yes, many people tell me that! It's very — as you say — unbelievable, but you have to believe it! It's the truth! You've got to take me at my word. Lies don't make bestsellers, after all."

"I see. Since we are away from your adoring fans, I must ask an important question."

"Let me guess . . . you are in need of my valuable assistance at your school."

"I never expected you to suspect my intentions from the beginning, but —"

"You need me to rid the halls of a troublesome ghoul, right? I bet that's it! If you've ever read _Gadding With Ghouls_ — as I'm sure you have — you'll know that I'm well-versed in the ridding of such fiends."

"No, it's nothing like that."

"A troll, then? I certainly thought you'd be capable of taking care of a troll. . . though it can be a little tricky without the correct equipment and advanced knowledge of certain magical arts."

"Hogwarts does not need any exterminations. I'm quite lenient with our permanent guests like Peeves. Remember him?"

"Yes, but what does that have to do with anything?"

"Nothing at all. I was merely making conversation. I'm here to talk about a position at Hogwarts that I need to fill immediately."

"A position? A teaching position?"

"Yes. If you recall from your days as a student, I've had terrible trouble keeping the Defense Against the Dark Arts post filled. Every year, it seems I'm looking for a new professor."

"Of course I remember! I had seven teachers in seven years."

"Well, I was hoping you'd be willing to take up the post this year. It's nearly September, and I am getting very desperate."

"Me? Me! Gilderoy Lockhart . . . a professor! Well, I'm quite flattered. However — now you'll forgive me — but the stories from last year make me very concerned."

"That's understandable."

"Yes, I've heard that the poor fellow you hired last year actually _died_ while in your service. Died! I don't know if I want to risk my neck trying to teach a bunch of teenagers the differences between the wolf and the werewolf — which is quite easy for me to do, by the way."

"If I may clarify, my professor last term, Quirinus Quirrell, was possessed by Voldemo—"

"Don't say it, man! Oh, I swear you almost made me faint!"

"I didn't expect you would be afraid of the name, especially after all your adventures."

Well, um. . . it's not that I'm afraid, of course. It's just that. . . you can't be too careful when talking about thinks like that, Dumbledore! You never know — poor Gladys might be listening at the door. Her poor heart could give out at any moment!"

"Oh, of course. But you are quite right. Quirinus' tragic end has made it extremely difficult to find a suitable replacement. Everyone has turned me down, even though I have promised safety. Sadly, I can't find anyone brave enough."

"Brave? That qualifies everything I do."

"I thought as much. Then will you consider accepting my offer?"

"But at Hogwarts, I'll miss out on the second half of my overseas book tour! I might not win the Most-Charming-Smile award if no one outside the classroom ever sees me! You know _Witch Weekly_ has given me that award five years in a row, and I suspect I'm only a year or two away from the all-time record. I've a lot to lose by this proposition."

"Yes, teaching students can be a sacrifice. However, it does have its advantages."

"Like what?"

"Well, perhaps it will help in your quest to have your own Chocolate Frog card."

"Really? You really think that being a professor would help my chances?"

"Certainly. You can see that I was a professor, and now have my own card. What more proof could you be looking for?"

"Maybe more than one example!"

"Think of this as a way to . . . embellish your credentials."

"Perhaps. Hmmm . . . A Chocolate Frog card would be quite a feat — I can imagine myself autographing one right now! Of course, I'd also desire a lasting peace between magic and non-magic people, which I noted in _Wanderings With Werewolves_. Chapter twelve. I believe you're quite familiar with that."

"Imagine if, even for a year, you changed the lives of many students at Hogwarts. That's not an opportunity to be wasted, is it? No one else with an Order of Merlin has been available to take up the post. You're my last hope, Gilderoy."

"Can you believe I'm only Order of Merlin, Third Class? I remember a little over a decade ago that Peter Pettigrew earned a First Class award by getting blown up! I don't know why people are getting awards for being thick enough not to defend themselves properly."

"That was indeed a tragedy."

"The tragedy was that I wasn't there! I would have apprehended that Sirius Black and saved the whole street of Muggles. Sirius Black would have begged for mercy with the mere wave of my wand! Easily done! . . . But enough about me, Dumbledore. This job. You're serious about this?"

"I would not have dared to drag you away from your ardent fans if I was just having a little fun. Though it would have made for a good joke."

"Huh. I'm surprised that you actually thought I'd have time for the teaching position. When I'm not doing book signings, I spend every waking hour adventuring around the world. It's a busy job! However. . ."

"Yes?"

"What better way to share my gifts and experiences with the world than to teach young witches and wizards? Of course, I never needed much helping along — being as bright as I was — but there are surely stragglers that I can help along! They may never possess the wits to drive away a banshee, but at least they can have the confidence to deal with a garden gnome!"

"Thank you for accepting the offer, Gilderoy! Hogwarts appreciates it. I'm glad we've been able to come to an agreement on that. For other business: we need to make sure the students receive their list of book requirements. Do you know what text you'd like to use for classes?"

"Books! Why, yes, let's make it my whole collection of adventures."

"Every book you've written?"

"Except for _Magical Me_, it's sold out almost everywhere."

"That will be very expensive. . ."

"But worth every Knut! Will I have my very own office?"

"Most certainly. And you may decorate it as you please."

"Good man!"

"I don't see why not, provided it's within reason. . . . Now before I leave, I have one more question of the greatest seriousness, Gilderoy."

"Yes. . . Headmaster?"

"Where ever did you find those periwinkle robes? They're very striking."


End file.
